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My co-morbid thoughts will be the death of me

'Well, prince, Genoa and Lucca are now no more-than private estates of
the Bonaparte family...'
I am on the first page of Tolstoy's 'War and Peace' and I shall be here
in ten years time. The book is heavy and could be used to anchor a 4x4
on a steep hill. It is a 1960 reprint and the sleeve is intact. I love
the John Groth illustrations and the faded blue cover. I found this
book, lying on the pavement, outside a 'Second Hand' shop in town. It is
not what you think - the owner didn't hurl it at a seagull rummaging in
a Cornwall County Council rubbish bin - It was with many other, more
boring, books beckoning passers by to take them home. I did an
impression of the Bionic Man and my eyes focused on two unusual books;
War and Peace and a 1958 edition of the Post Office London Directory.

In all the excitement I switch to a descriptive present tense!
The latter is just as beautiful as the Tolstoy reprint. with a faded,
red, hard cover and an amasing illustrative advert for ST MARTIN'S
TYPEWRITER CO.LTD. The directory is as big as my sink and I wander at my
strength in getting both books back to my flat.
I reflect that all the books were in boxes with a hand written sign -
PLEASE HELP YOUR SELF BOOKS FOR FREE.
I suppose that it is possible that someone had torn off the ending of
the sign, giving the instruction a whole new meaning!
PLEASE HELP YOUR SELF BOOKS FOR FREE LIFT TO TRURO.
Anyway, the Directory looks good as a stand for a reading light and they
have certainly cheered me up.
Too much of my time is taken up with the effort of challenging my own
invasive negative internal dialogue. War and Peace is described as
'entertaining' and that is good.

My Asperger Syndrome Co-Morbid thoughts will be the death of me!
Adults with autism need: a job when they can work; benefits when they can't;
and a government that leads the way.
Take action at: http://www.autism.org.uk/dontwritemeoff
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This message is from The National Autistic Society (NAS). The NAS randomly monitors the content of e-mail messages sent and received.
Any opinions contained in this message are those of the author and are not given or endorsed by the NAS unless the author is clearly stated to have authority to bind the charity, and this has been duly verified by e-mailing companysecretary@nas.org.uk
The NAS is a company limited by guarantee (No. 1205298) registered in England and also a charity registered in England and Wales (CR269425) and in Scotland (SC039427), its registered office being 393 City Road, London, EC1V 1NG. www.autism.org.uk

Social Inclusion blog by Aly...

Sticky tape, cardboard, some wool strands for hair and a pencil to draw a face - this is how to make friends. I can make friends, hundreds of them - but I cannot keep them.

 

Many turn out to discriminate against me and bully. Some don’t, they keep trying but eventually give up. I don’t get the relationship of friendship and there are no set rules.

Rule no. 1

Come for a cup of tea every two weeks, for the next 15 years, and we will sit in the greenhouse and talk about different varieties of tomato plants. I could be everything that a friend needs to be - but something more important than friendship will get in the way. Something that, in essence, is not more important than friendship: a puzzle, a painting, a piece of music, a pre-occupation with words, an obsession with car engines - all these things sit, like limpets, around my skull.

No!  - they are my skull.

 

I juggle the need for companionship and friendship with the fear of failure. Based on experience and the, seeming, inevitable - I rip and tear before it breaks. In my world I believe that I can do anything, And, apart from three things, I can. The first thing that I cannot do - is to  experience the world as society demands that I should.

Secondly, I cannot control the random sigh, laugh, yelp or sneeze of the person in the queue behind me.

 

Thirdly, I cannot fly.

I am in a box, listening to dust.

I am in a room, softly feeling my own breath stroke my wrist.  

With the profound, multiple, overt and subtle discriminations of my every day - It is difficult to feel that I belong. Society appears to need me to fit in, even if it kills me.

I can be included, but only if I lie and say “I know that tree how you know that tree”.

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This message is from The National Autistic Society (NAS). The NAS randomly monitors the content of e-mail messages sent and received.
Any opinions contained in this message are those of the author and are not given or endorsed by the NAS unless the author is clearly stated to have authority to bind the charity, and this has been duly verified by e-mailing companysecretary@nas.org.uk
The NAS is a company limited by guarantee (No. 1205298) registered in England and also a charity registered in England and Wales (CR269425) and in Scotland (SC039427), its registered office being 393 City Road, London, EC1V 1NG.
www.autism.org.uk

The mask of coping

Hello my name is Aly and I am changing my name to Alyster - my gender too. I have Asperger Syndrome and I am just recovering from a pretty awful period of depression. I am profoundly gifted.

Hello my name is Aly and I have a drinking problem. Binging on alcohol provides me with a coping stratedgy. But it doesn't work, it is not a good way of coping with the complexity of my life. I have the support of my Mum and Dad and family and best friend and I am - sometimes- letting them and myself down. I work incredibly hard to cope with my life and I want to regain my lost confidence and sing again publicly. First I have to address my drinking habits. I am doing this. Really what a glass of wine does is to stop me crying and that is not good. When I was younger alcohol helped me to cry-but it has changed. Crying is neccessary for recovery and working out emotions.

I have been bullied so much for being profoundly gifted and I have felt the trauma of disabilty, gender and sexuality discrimination from society generally. I am frightened that I will become a bully to. I try not to be. I try and make friends in a two hour pub binge and then I tell myself that I won't have to worry about trying to be a good friend - because I have ticked some strange box of socialising. I hope me writing this doesn't make anyone too sad. I am committed to improving and safe guarding my well being and those that I love.

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This message is from The National Autistic Society (NAS). The NAS randomly monitors the content of e-mail messages sent and received.
Any opinions contained in this message are those of the author and are not given or endorsed by the NAS unless the author is clearly stated to have authority to bind the charity, and this has been duly verified by e-mailing companysecretary@nas.org.uk
The NAS is a company limited by guarantee (No. 1205298) registered in England and also a charity registered in England and Wales (CR269425) and in Scotland (SC039427), its registered office being 393 City Road, London, EC1V 1NG.
www.autism.org.uk

Interview with NAS Blogger- Aly

Q. Hi Aly, how is the weather in Cornwall today? It looked lovely in your YouTube video.
A. It is Sunny, And the whole place is becoming alive.
Q. Cornwall’s a great place for tractor spotting! You say tractors are one of your special interests. Can you explain why?
A. It is the engineering, aesthetics, sound. The pace of tractors is a gentle, strong commitment to their function. They are so much easier to relate to than people.
Q. You were living independently in East Anglia but have recently moved back home to your parents. Why is that and how did you cope with such a big change?
A. I became more isolated and depressed - And I tried to hide it from my family to protect them. I realised that I needed to be near them. The change was crisis driven and so was hugely traumatic.
Q. The Autism Bill aims to tackle the terrible lack of support for adults with autism.
A. What kind of support are you missing out on that you would like to receive?
Professional Health and Social Care awareness of the disability and compulsory training especially in relationship to “Vulnerable Adult” issues.
Q. Awareness of autism was very low when you were growing up and you were only diagnosed in the past couple of years, how did that feel?
A. Relieved and sacred. Proud and chuffed that I had managed to verbalise a very abstract world. Hopeful for my future in terms of understanding my depression and thought processes.
Q. Which autism stereotypes annoy you the most?
A. I get confused about the ‘lack of empathy’ stereotype. We have social structures for demonstrating that we care. I worry that this stereotype gives people the impression that people on the spectrum are unable to feel or to love
Q. Do you think our understanding of autism has changed recently?
A. At the rate of a Ferrari and it has had to. The campaigns by the NAS have been crucial. The, sporadic, suffering I have felt at times of distress have put my life and dignity at risk.
Q. Not many people are aware of the sensory difficulties that people with autism experience {possible link through to info sheet}. Could you please explain your sensory issues and how they affect you?
A. I don’t have filters - I am hypersensitive. I feel like I am Neil Armstrong walking through a supermarket. Every day I desperately need some degree of quiet. I hide in church yards to recover from buying a pint of milk
Q. What would you like to say to people on World Autism Awareness Day?
A. Hello. I love to pose like James Dean. I have rocked and cried in police cells as they save my life. Sometimes you won’t see my autism, but it is there. I manage it and it gives me an unusual and profound experience of being wonderfully Human.
Q. If you were Prime Minister for the day what would you do?
A. I would ask him or her to be brave enough to, briefly, experience the howling distress and the slapping of face that comes after all other channels and attempts of communication are exhausted.

20th March

Does it say something about me that the film ‘The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas’ I found comforting? Does it say something about me that I am worried about a Man with Asperger Syndrome that I have never met? What does it mean? What is mean?

The Golden Mean was the soundtrack of the film during the two or three frames (or clip) where we watched, heard and felt the two small boys holding hands. “I will help you find your father” reassures Bruno. And true to his word - he did. As they are are ushered into the gas chamber, each boy becomes the father to the other. They are friends. And so, as children, they remind us of our adult prejudices, hate and failings. It means something to me to have the freedom to experience the work of artists. It means something to me to make work too.
Meanwhile - Gary McKinnon is somewhere and I don’t know where. Does he count seconds in his head? Is he laying down on the blue plastic mattress? Every time the hatch is opened for communication and food - does he feel like he is a caged animal?
When the hatch (metal against heavy locked door) is slammed shut does the pain of the noise make him feel sick. If he waiting for a fair trial? If he could not walk would they push him to crawl and take away his wheel chair? Is he holding hands with a friend?
I hope so, so much.